Another Easter has come and gone, friends. This year, in the time of Coronavirus , even if you were lucky enough to rejoice in some way with food, wine and celebration, it probably still wasn’t the same—like most things now. Maybe this year more than ever is a time to reflect on what our faith really means to us.

And we may have decided that for us at Mundane, our spirituality is kinky as hell.

While I owe very much to the Catholic Church (mostly the awakening of my musical calling as I wrote my very first song for Jesus himself), my skills as an altar boy are a little rusty. My time as an altar boy has long since passed, and probably was never that good for me to begin with. That thin, juvenile inebriation from the sacred wine soon turned into unholy underage drinking. My uncle taking me to the basement to have ‘just a sip” of his homemade wine didn’t help along the way—and no, he didn’t molest me.

Nevertheless, I’ve always kept up to date with my faith—as much as an Italian Catholic boy, turned debaucherous expat, can. There’s no doubt this magazine is made by sinners for sinners.

However you don’t have to be a saint to be able to appreciate the power of faith. You might actually have to be the greatest sinner for such a task. So let me provoke our impotent minds and show you how a sprinkle of Catholic guilt can help “erect” our dormant sex lives.

The Catholic Hot Parade is filled with playboys. First on the list, Saint Augustine. A real player. Before he was touched by God, he was into touching a bunch of ass. So much so that sex and lust were the main reason he turned to God: he just couldn’t handle it any more. 

In his Confessions he writes: “The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and to be loved” (Book II Ch II), yet not being able to find an answer from God drove him towards seeking mere “human approval.” 

Welcome to the stage our first key concept: shame

Sex is a sin, kids! That’s how you’re supposed to treat it according to the gospels, no matter how good it feels. But actually, and it might sound counterintuitive, but the more wrong you deem it the hotter it is going to be. 

Think about all the times you irretrievably damaged a friendship with sex, wrecked a relationship by cheating on someone, or crashed on someone’s marital bed while whispering “this is so wrong” and taking off your underwear. How hot was that? 

And how many times do we try to deprive our sex lives of their sinful aura, and end up sleeping around, chasing after what our unusual sex therapist Augustine calls “human approval?”

So don’t spoil your slutiness with meaningless sloppiness, dance with your guilt and go in for the kill. There’s nothing hotter than a confident whore!

Another fuckboy king we find in the Bible is no less than King Solomon himself. Known for his charming and powerful temperament, the good Book describes him as a man well-endowed with plenty of strength, wisdom and flocks of whatever the equivalent of ancient E-girls were. 

One of the most infamous pre-biblical texts, “Song of Songs,” is pretty much BCE Pornhub, and unveils the intimate relationship between King Solomon and his lover.

“The king has brought me to his bed chambers”, she says. “Let us rejoice in you (…) for your love is better than wine, better than the fragrance of your perfumes (…) therefore young women love you.”

Enter our second key concept: punishment 

How many times did you ask your lover to spank you because you had been bad? I myself had to spank a woman for an hour straight once because she wouldn’t shut up about it! Well, guess who came up with that? 

“The sons of my mother were angry with me; they charged me with the care of the vineyards: my own vineyard I did not take care of.”I can only imagine the wine and sweat spilled in that subdom humiliation scene. Basically… PornHub should cut King Solomon a big, fat check!

Real life isn’t too far from Biblical studies on the subject. Religious couples even practice swinging and have sex shops specifically targeted to them. This apparently leads to more satisfying sex lives than secular couples, according to a study released by The Institute of Family Studies.

You obviously don’t have to be a regular at your local BDSM club to know that religious themed role playing games are a big hit within anyone’s bedroom. That’s because sex and eroticism are based on prohibition and seduction, and there’s gotta be a reason why God made us so weak for those kinks.

As I wrote in my letter in the anniversary issue, sometimes it feels like our world opening up to more freedom of gender identity and sexuality, to even style and fashion, has just unleashed the a new kind of homogeny rather than more diversity. We romanticize our anxiety, rather than grapple with it. We use creativity only to make ourselves feel better. We use porn to suppress our sexual desires. What’s even worse is that, as our editor Chloe said,“we’ve taken the sense of “play” out of everything.”

We’ve gotten so radical, we’ve forgotten just how provocative the old world could be. I’m not saying we should go back, but maybe there was some kink in what was before that we can and should keep. If you want to keep God and His word out of your life, that’s your business (and we’re kinda with you there brothers and sisters). But maybe don’t always keep Him out of your bedroom, because you might be missing out. 

Photography courtesy of: Robby Moore