So idk if y’all are still in denial, but we’re living in a capitalistic regime controlled by the 1% of society that can still afford to have their dicks sucked. Where the money flows, so the power goes. 

It’s 2020 and we’ve entered the decade of harsh realities. We’ve fucked the planet so thoroughly into submission that this bio-engineered virus (I’m looking at you, China) seems to be the only ~workable~ solution to global overpopulation. God forbid our governments make moves to change our habits of excessive production & consumption sans-pandemic. Yet here we are, lauding ourselves as heroes for staying inside, hoping that maybe our carbon footprint will magically disappear if we stay indoors for 2 months (I’m not knocking social distancing, folks, stay inside). 

It seems the perfect time to explore the aesthetically (dis)pleasing qualities of our global leaders that are expediting us so skillfully into entropy. Cuz I know you’re all bored af. 

Vladimir Putin

As he somehow manages to slither into another presidential term, the world watches with bated breath as Putin’s shiny scalp glows even brighter, signaling his alien brethren to descend and bring ruin to the human race. I probably shouldn’t just be blaming China for this pandemic shit. 

But honestly, Putin’s superpower is successfully looking like the creepy relative that would hit on his own daughter after fucking her babysitter for a month. Somehow he’s respected enough that people actually want him to hold power, even though his politics are even shadier than his face (on the rare occasions he attempts to smile). 

I must say, terrible taste in ties must be a sign of psychopathy, cuz all the good ol’ boys on this list manage to astonish with their lack of creativity in that realm. Those shirts are CRISPY though. 

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Donald Trump

Our one and only Cheeto in Chief, Donald ‘Tiny-Hands’ Trump. We couldn’t leave him off our roster of world-class douchebags. From his glorious toupée to his iconic hue, his glow is the carrot-tinted beacon blindly leading the United States into economic & social ruin. 

But really, what did we expect from an ex-reality show star? From loudly claiming pussies as his own to locking children up in cages, Trump has succeeded in his extraordinary ability to be the biggest political joke in history. This is the man ‘leading’ us through the biggest pandemic in living memory. Not to freak you out though. 

I think if Trump were to be replaced by his close cousin, the orangutan, his fashion sense might even improve. If your wife can’t even stand to look at you, maybe you should rethink your skincare strategy. His beautifully tailored suits manage to contain his intimidating girth, putting into contrast his not-so-intimidating hands. Honestly guys, the political obsession with striped ties of two varieties – blue and red – is getting out of hand. It’s like nobody has freedom of choice anymore. Oh wait…

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Xi Jinping


A trifecta of corruption, the President of the People’s Republic of China also holds the positions of General Secretary of the Communist Party of China (CPC), and chairman of the Central Military Commission. Xi Jinping’s seven year reign has been marked by increased regulation and restricted plurality. Imagine being constantly watched by your creepy neighbor who also controls your every move. It’s like living in a simulation. Does this sound disturbingly familiar to anyone else? 

The true crowning jewel of Jinping’s authoritarian regime is the virus we have all come to know and loathe – the ‘rona. Imagine a large portion of the human race being wiped out by a walking thumb [spy kids gif]. I remain consistently impressed by the wide variety of facial expressions shared among our candidates; Jinping’s personal twist is routinely looking like he’s sucking on a lemon (toe?). He shares his counterparts’ terrible taste in ties, but I suppose that’s to be expected. 

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Teodoro Obian Nguema Mbasogo

The president of Equatorial New Guinea, Obiang not only holds the record for longest, most difficult name on the planet, he also is the 2nd longest serving non-royal national leader still in power –  a position he’s held since 1979. That’s over 40 years of this asshole. 

After overthrowing & executing his uncle in a gnarly coup d’etat, Obiang promised better, fairer leadership…yet New Guinea is infamous for human rights abuse. This includes lawful kidnapping, government-authorized murder, and methodical torture, amongst other atrocities. His political opponent – exiled since 2004 – stated that Obiang is a “demon who systematically eats his political rivals.” He meant that literally. 

Cannibalism & crimes against humanity aside, Obiang still manages to constantly look like your rich, helicopter-owning, politician uncle…atrocious ties included. Only coming to about 5’9” max, it’s almost surprising that such a little old man is capable of such barbarity. His massive cliffhanger of a forehead has provided him with his most endearing quality – constantly looking like someone vomited on his shoe. That enticing mixture of disdain & disgust just really gets me going, you know?

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