What’s the story behind this album?
– This album has been a long journey exploring grief. In 2021, I lost several family members all at once, followed by losing a job, my dog of 17 years and more. It was a rough journey and as I was more and more consumed by grief, I felt more and more called to channel it into art. I originally wrote these songs separately and I was planning to do an E.P. and release singles, but it became really clear over time that this was a concept album and it was a story that I wanted to present in its entirety even if some folks choose to engage it in singles. It was a healing mechanism for me, but it was also something I felt compelled to write so that if others out there were experiencing loss, they might feel less alone.
Any life experiences inspired you to write this?
– Oh wow, so many life experiences went into this album. I think some that stand out the most are FADE TO RED, the first track on the album. This is about my very real coping mechanism of dissociation and how for me, when that occurs I tend to associate it with the color red. I think it’s mild synesthesia. Another one is CANNIBAL, that track is about the very real experience of finally embracing my queerness and experiencing the obsession with sexuality that can come in waves once you allow yourself to truly be who you are. It’s also a story of how we sometimes allow sex and desire to fill a hole in us when we experience loss. Finally, the end track YOU’RE OKAY was born of a very real feeling when I lost my Father. I was so consumed by grief that I felt myself fantasizing about some kind of medical treatment or procedure that I could have that would just take that pain away. The song is from the perspective of a doctor or nurse administering that procedure on someone and trying to provide good bedside manner. So that one is incredibly real. I would lay in bed at night feeling so sad and dreaming that it could be real.
What’s the main message behind it?
– The main message of this album is that we all grow and move through life experiencing different levels of loss and pain, and we have to allow ourselves to feel that and cope with that or it will consume us. Additionally, there is no one that can tell you when you will be ok or when you will be better again but you.
What is so important to you about mental illness?
– I think there is a stigma culturally about being open and vulnerable when it comes to mental illness, and I think the perfect Instagram social media bubble has made it even harder to show the truth of the human condition. I wanted to write an album that connects folks through this raw, unfiltered lens because everything is so carefully curated right now. That is not the reality of who we are, and what we are feeling. I don’t think I know a single person who is mentally healthy 100%, it’s almost impossible for that to be something you can achieve given the state of the world right now, and the reality of our lives. If even one person can hear these songs and feel less alone, that really means a lot to me. We have come so far here in 2024 and we talk about mental health more, but we have so much farther to go.
Bradford Rogne Photography
Who are your favorite artists of all time and why?
– I always have a hard time with this one because I have so many favorite artists that I feel like ranking them is impossible! But I think some of the ones that have the deepest connection to the inspiration for this album are: Tori Amos: I was introduced to her at a young age, about 10 years old. I was jolted awake and her storytelling of life as a woman who was raised religious, survived assault and still went on to tell her story on her terms was powerful. I also recall being so inspired by her phrasing and vocal choices. She does what feels viscerally right regardless of what is popular, trendy or “technically” correct. She has been the person I think of most when I am asked who my favorite artist is. I think I have most of her discography memorized. Which is saying a lot because that is a huge catalog. Another huge inspiration on this album is Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service. His poetic lyric style and his weaving back and forth through acoustic and electronic styles has always been something that resonates with me. I also think that the melancholy of many of his songs has been a long time inspiration for me. I actually have some Death Cab lyrics as a tattoo, it’s my ONLY tattoo that is of any musician or band. I have a lot of tattoos, so that is a special honor. Finally, I am a huge fan of Bjork. I think that she is divisive and people either love her or hate her but her pursuit of art above trend and substance above popularity was something I channeled for this album. I had something I wanted to say and I didn’t really care if anyone was going to think it was weird or off putting. I just love her. I think the list goes on but those are probably most relevant to this project.
What are the main themes of your storytelling and what other topics would you like to explore?
– I think my music is dark and it always has been dark. I struggle to make music that isn’t classified this way not because I can’t but because I think that is the reality I am most called to speak to. But I would really love to explore happiness and joy. I think I have some future ideas for that. I am excited to see what shape that might take. The lyrics of a song are always a big part of my storytelling as well and I love to write poetry. I think that the lyrics shape the production most of the time.
What inspired the production and sonic aspect of this track?
– I was so fortunate to co-produce this album with Grammy Nominated producer Bruce “Automatic” Vanderveer. He’s an incredible producer and musician and I was finally able to create something that I had been trying to access for a long time under his mentorship and support. When we began this album it was actually more of a Fiona Apple/Tori Amos girl-and-the-piano type situation but when I came into the studio one day and I said I think we need to throw it all out and start over and I want to do something totally different, Automatic didn’t look at me like I was insane, he supported me and he was in. That is the kind of creative environment I needed to bring this to life sonically. I really wanted to call on some industrial sounds and some non-instrument sounds that were raw and gritty and match that with some very emotional and pretty vocals. I wanted to create a lot of competing sounds that blended together to represent the psychic struggles and I wanted to bring dissonance and pulsing sounds in to represent anxiety and distress. I think being able to work with a creative partner who understood the depth of it was critical and it really shaped what ultimately ended up on the album.
Cori Kim Photography @neptunearthouse
What are your plans for 2025?
– Right now I am putting together a live show that will be something on a scale I haven’t done before. I have played all around LA with a band and myself and the piano, but I want to take this album to a live show in a way that is extremely immersive. I want it to be a visual experience as well as sonic, and I want to curate a really special one of a kind show. I plan to take that all over LA next year and hopefully on tour. And I am already working on another album at this time. I am not sure if it will be released in 2025, but I think “WHO’S TO SAY IF I AM GETTING ANY BETTER?” was a cork that popped and now there is a flow of something in me, and I am writing a lot now in the wake of this release. So more music will be coming soon for sure! But I am most focused on the live show, I can’t wait to take that to the world.
